i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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