I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
