I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
How's work?
Spinning.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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