ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
