someone threw a dead crab at me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It all started with a game of naked twister.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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