everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am naked and annoyed.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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