note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
