naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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