guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
