dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You pole danced in your parka.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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