I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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