Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
