last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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