is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
