Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I cut my penus on the lid.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
