Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
