I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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