So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
