he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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