Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
