If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
