I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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