I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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