I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Randomize
