found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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