I looked at my own cervix.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
my poor anus
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
