Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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