How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
