hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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