Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
