i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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