I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
