i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
