Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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