M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
