yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
