I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i may or may not be watching the land before time
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
