I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
50% drunk capacity currently
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
