I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
