WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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