i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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