Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
