FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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