I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
