from now on my penis is your penis
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
