i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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