i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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