he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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