when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
