take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
