just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
