Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
