He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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